Funny Money Jokes

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Over 80 mildly amusing clean and work safe jokes and puns about money.

Funny Money Joke 1
“Five dollars for one question!” said the girl to the fortune-teller. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”
“Next!”

Funny Money Joke 2
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?
If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

Funny Money Joke 3
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.

Real money usa poker sites. You want somewhere which doesn’t charge a fee to deposit or withdraw and that sends your money to you in a timely fashion without a long cooling off period.

Funny Money Joke 4
I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen – why don’t you pay with a smile?
I’d like to but they insist on money

Funny Money Joke 5
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.
Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
“Oh yes, I’ve done that,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve only got to make a will. And do you know what I’m going to do with all my money?
I’m going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life.”

Funny Money Joke 6
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Funny Money Joke 7
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One of the chamber members stood up and said, “I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.”

Funny Money Joke 8
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, “Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?”
“Whada ya win?”
“A million dollars!” said the redneck. “You get a dollar a year for a million years.”
“How much are they each?”
“Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!”

Funny Money Joke 9
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
“Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

Funny Money Joke 10
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave.
The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!

Funny Money Joke 11
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!”
The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”

Funny Money Joke 12
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
“Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.”
“What’s the problem?”
“When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

Money Puns

Money Pun 1
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.

Money Pun 2
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.

Money Pun 3
Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box.

Money Pun 4
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open?
She’d read there was going to be some change in the weather.

Money Pun 5
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was money in the kitty.

Money Pun 6
Why was the struggling manger seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Money Pun 7
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!

Money Pun 8
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ?
Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Money Pun 9
Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a hole, and you could lose your money.

Money Pun 10
How do thunderstorms invest their money?
In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

Money Pun 11
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it?
Money’s tight these days!

Money Pun 12
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

Money Pun 13
I can’t find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed.
Don’t worry, her Counselor said. A dollar doesn’t go very far today.

Money Pun 14
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you?
Mary: I’d pay whatever it charged.

Money Pun 15
What kind of money do monsters use?
Weird dough.

Tight with Money Jokes

Tight with Money Joke 1
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

Tight with Money Joke 2
My Dad is so tight as kids we were 8 before we realised the gas meter wasn’t our piggy bank!

Tight with Money Joke 3
When does a female deer need money?
When she doesn’t have a buck.

Tight with Money Joke 4
When does a male deer need money?
When he doesn’t have a doe.

Tight with Money Joke 5
How can you make money fast?
Glue it to the floor.

Tight with Money Joke 6
Where do Eskimos keep their money safe?
In snowbanks.

Tight with Money Joke 7
Where do hogs keep their money safe?
In piggy banks.

Tight with Money Joke 8
Where do trees keep their money safe?
In branch banks.

Tight with Money Joke 9
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.

Tight with Money Joke 10
Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because money talks.

Tight with Money Joke 11
How can you get rich by eating?
Eat fortune cookies.

Short Money Jokes

Short Money Joke 1
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars.
Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
Alec! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing. Why?
Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!

Short Money Joke 2
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
I’ve lost five cents, sobbed Johnny.
Don’t worry, said his dad kindly. Here’s five more for you.
At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
Now what is it? asked his dad.
I wish I’d said I’d lost ten cents!

Short Money Joke 3
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside?
Mum: What crying man?
William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream!

Short Money Joke 4
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn’t have any!

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